It is a privilege to love

The beauty being an optimistic person doesn’t necessarily means that we never have our bad times, but learnt how to rise & shine brightly within the worst scenarios.

After more than a decade of attempting to decode the rational of why my mum dislike me ever since I can remembered, I am now happier being myself. Once I enjoyed preparing an exist staircase for everyone I met in my life because I don’t want to dealt with that pain again. Thus I honestly believed that it will take impossibility for me to love someone unconditionally. I often mocked at 2 of my close friends “Why are you girls constantly falling in love when they ever gave you is pain??” Before I met D, they both said to me on different occasions “You may think that we are silly creature, we are but you will understand the price of loving when you meet the one who sweeps your feet off the ground.”

Of all the 4 million people living in this country, I met and fell in love with someone who was here for 5 days & lives on the other side of my world. GOD chosen you to teach me a great lesson, after I watched the movie, The Fault In Our Stars, I remembered all of the questions I asked myself especially this - “What would I be if I have never met you on 8 December 2013?”. Of course, I struggled my decision to put him as my best or worst 24^th birthday present.

You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world…but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choice. There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.

It has to be you, that special you where each of our lacking / fears complimented each other. It is a privilege for me to love you and my heart to be broken by you. There is no shortage of fault to be found amid our stars but it is a good choice that our stars crosses. While trying to keep my distance away from you – it has not lessen my affection for you. Maybe you have already forgotten about me, but I guess I will hang around for a while longer.

"There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I'm likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful." – Hazel Grace in The Fault in Our Stars.

I am the lucky one to fall in love with you & if time permits  - I will love you again

"If you are a book, I will read every page of you"

It sounded too wrong that I find myself ridiculously hard to believe myself to.
I still dance but without a partner.

I still think but thinking about you.

I am walking everyday to hope seeing you at the end of my destination.

I still put on my beautiful bright smile but without my everlasting glow.

My life has not stop moving, just like the earth has not stop revolving around the sun but I stopped spinning since the day we parted.
For you could be the best that I never can have.

Talk to me if you want to, but dont hide from me. Seek the answers of your question from me, I wishfully hope.
Despite of all the above, I am all good; still eating, breathing, getting popular, smiling, laughing & surrounded by tons of love. Busy with work, dragon boat & life. 

I hope the same for you too. If you found someone who comforts, hold and love you, do share the good newsy with me.  

Which is harder: The pain of undergoing a divorce or learning how to love again?

没有一点点防备也没有一丝顾虑, 他就这样出现在我的世界里带给我惊喜...情不自已.
可是又在我不知不觉中悄悄的消失, 从我的世界里没有音讯剩下的只是回忆.
尽管他我是陌生人是过路人, 但彼此还是感觉到了对方的一个眼神,一个心跳,一种意想不到的快乐,好像是一场梦境;命中注定.
"世界之大为何我们相遇难道是缘分 难道是天意"- 我苦恼的问自己,不知不觉发现一个事实.
他存在我深深的脑海里,我的梦里,我的心里,我的歌声里..

2 more days to be the weirdest 5th months, I dont even know what I am counting on but I am still counting.. Perhaps I am not busy enough, now that I lighted myself a lot now that she is attached & naturally everyone have been asking about mine too. If you are curious about my Facebook married status, that is an April fool's joke which Daniel & I have decided to play a prank with everyone. Bad for him, no one believed him because he is just too playful. As for me, thank you for all the ADVANCED blessings, I truly appreciates it. However, if you know me well - I have a different standards for flings & boyfriends (potential husband to be). Dont get me wrong, he is charming but it will take me more than 6 hours of chatting to marry someone (that is me). I am crazy but not enough to use my future as bargaining chips for fun.

Skyped with one of my favorite ladies in the world, I am happy & excited to have the idea of spending Xmas & New Year's Eve together. Definitely a wild one... ....

How long will I love you? As long as stars are above you, and longer if I can.
How long will I need you? As long as the seasons need to follow their plan.
How long will I be with you? As long as the sea is bound to wash upon the sand.
How long will I want you? As long as you want me to, and longer by far.
How long will I have to wait to be noticed & loved by you???

I love the fact of loving you but I need more than memories... ...

I will be swamped with work & life in June & July.. YESH, Swamped
Laos to July, Batam to August, November to Hong Kong, December - Birthday to Cambodia (I think) & Xmas to Thailand

Paintball, World Cup, Dieting, Diner en Blanc, DragonBoating & good friends will keep me busy for now.

What is the price of pursuing of happiness?

The question of ‘What do I want?’ should co-exist with the above question, so to be focused about our objective. As an ambitious individual, at the same time, lucky me – I have no idea what great things I did in my lifetime, but one thing I know for sure is that something up in the heaven has always covered me well enough.

This question came to me randomly after a lunch appointment with Andrew & Charles 3 weeks ago, followed by The Bible & reading towards the last chapter of ‘The Wolf of Wall Street’. Thru all of these, I understand better about the very concept of “Everything has a price to pay”.

The answer to these thoughts came slapping at my face, after a week of dwelling about the question of unknown amount of haters / enemies I have. When the High Priest was coaxing Romans to crucify Jesus, as to suppress the followers & maintained its sacred front. I was wondering why wasn’t Jesus angry about the fact that the people chose to listen to words of whispers, and as a result of the release of the murderer instead of him. A similar situation happened to me, with regards to the fact why I wasn’t chosen in the previous race. Why do I have to go thru more sufferings when I am the strong & sensible one, the one who seeks & speak the truths?

Jesus prayed to God and asked for his forgiveness to the people as they do not know what they are doing. What Jesus does not know is that he only was a spirit in human body, but he was the son of the almighty; and he honestly thought that the seven deadly sins does not live in the body of a human. Unfortunately it does, at the moment Adam & Eve consumed the forbidden fruit and Cain killed Abel – they lives with us. I do feel jealously living inside me at times, but thank God it was never that great for me to harbor bad intentions on people. I have no such free time to waste on them, at least I speaking for up to this moment I living until.

This post is doubtlessly a lil philosophical; most people are unable to comprehend at all. It is pointless of me to explain to you if you have not explored life in this perspective & let alone the answer, could just be a waste of time.  

In Hanoi, I met a couple who sent me wisdom about love & make me understand a lil more about it. I could actually sees thru those pair of eyes when they looked at each other – even after 10 years of being together. I said to them, I thought I saw you but I think that was just me being deluded. The London guy said to me that he was a divorcee and met this French lady (the love of his life) even before he met his ex-wife, but it did not happen. After all of these, she is mine again – he once puzzled about the work of fate. He said ‘Just let it be, let your feelings flow – The harder you want to bury it, the more difficult it will be. If you would just let it flow, at some point, you will discover that you are not missing him that much.’

Guess what, I walked pass the convenient store we were at last night & stood there to giggle a lil. After living for 24 years, you are my only regret I ever have was the day I let you slip out of my hands. I am still battling the million questions after 104 days passed by in a wink. The kind of love I wanted is you, why did you cross my life and will I just be meeting a second best? Or that could be your false side? I guess you are well enough, perhaps met someone else & had me forgotten too long ago too. I am coping well too, I still have the urge to keep in touch with you but I do not want to disturb you at all. I am glad that I managed to love you, and not someone else. I had a couple of guys mingling around, but I have decided to cut all away as I am not ready for anyone yet. Perhaps soon enough, I will definitely be & I have to be.

In the meantime, I am undergoing a diet plan to cut down 6kg at least. Fun is always with me, despite the fact that I have not been participating my usual activity at all – My friends are giving up on me, so do I. Life will be simple for me, other than work, I will be exercising 3 weekdays, Friday & Saturday will be drink days with Saturday and Sunday as Dragon Boating practices to prepare for Boracay competition. I will be taking a small trip once a month, and my next long trip will be in July-August I supposed. Till next time.

With love,

Sandral

Untitled & Free

I should have tons of things to update everyone, kinda true – but I do not have the time to. I did come up an agenda of the various topics in my mind:

1.       Impact of the Hanoi Trip

2.       Complaint about Halong Bay Tour

3.       Experiences & Thoughts

4.       Life as it is – For Now

5.       Sandral’s Guide: Chapter 1 – What is Love?

Right now, Im taking an hour of time off from work because I am mentally stressed up about ONE particular matter.  I have to write it out, recently I am not very keen to speak to anyone in the world now. Reading, typing and writing are my favorite pastimes for now; and being a lazy bum at home.  

I had a great time in Hanoi, observed, talked, heard, and experienced a lot of things, people, and adventures. The fact that I managed to only obtain a minor injury on my left elbow from a two-time fall, I get to appreciate myself more. THANKS FOR ALL THE LOVE BEING SHOWERED TO ME. Im fully aware that I am not very well-loved, even when I was a kid – there are many people followed me around being of my popularity, information, network & etc. However, throughout the years, I managed to filter and see thru people & deal with a better state of grace. I love how I am interacting with people, those who know & love me / even attempt to – I know & they know that we will be there & OTHERS – Fcuk off. The more I give, the more I gain & it doesn’t upset me very much anymore.

Here, I am going to share 2 stories from my latest trip. First, whilst I was in the mountain tour in Sapa – a village lady did a FREE fortune-telling, just by grabbing me and my palm – my tour guide being the translator. She translated this to me ‘You have a generous heart, bright personality and wealthy person by looking at your face. Thru my both palms, I see determination, hardworking, powerful, and well-liked person with strong personality. You will be blessed with everything you seek for, and bring luck to your family & people around you.’ FYI, she is not the first – 80% of the fortune-tellers said almost similar things. Such prophecy terrifies me than anything, what are my capabilities and limitations? 

Second story; regarding this incident happened in the bus journey from Sapa to Hanoi City, a French old lady was being dragged / pulled around by the bus driver who only can communicate in Vietnamese. I had to shout ‘Any Vietnamese who can speak English here?’ THRICE in the bus, before someone came forward to help. I appreciate it despite of that delay. I did some fact studies in Hanoi, that every kiddo receives FREE education up to 15 YO (High School) & English one of the subjects taught. However, there aren’t a lot of people using it because of FEAR & it isn’t properly taught in school – how much can a person learn with 4 hours and many subjects in school?

Last night, I learnt that I have a bunch of Indian supporters – they are construction workers from my previous work from many years ago. I THINK I received the highest compliment in their way, I was called ‘Indian Actress’ & I had to giggle on my bed so loud. Then, on my way to Lao Cai, I met Xiao Ying (Korean girl), Yoshi (Japanese guy) & Hanh (Vietnamese guy). When I think back to that day, my cabin was all filled with Vietnameses. YET when the other TWO foreigners boarded the train from different stations, they are assigned to sit behide (Yoshi) me & beside (Xiao Ying) me. Before Yoshi & Hanh boarded the train, a random creepy Vietnamese sat beside me and stared at my face, while my eyes was on my hp screen – watching the Reign.

Today’s story – is about Hanh – a Engineering undergrad earning USD200/month & I thought I was going deaf. He came to sit beside Yoshi DARINGLY, announcing that he wishes to communicate and learn English with us. Honestly, I was more into Xiao Ying because I want to improve my Korean. The 12hrs journey went on & on in English & at some point, I saw a lil of me in Hanh’s eyes. By now, if you were in my past, you already know how horrific my English was at one point. I worked very hard until today & haven’t stop learning. Last night, Hanh introduced a girl friend of his to me & she earnestly called me ‘Sandra’ numerous times & finally got my name right after 3 times of me typing ‘My name is Sandral , Sandra WITH L’.

I fancy people who are diligent and do self-improvement, especially living in Singapore – I know too many people who are full of themselves when they are just another empty-bottle. So I was very disturbed by the fact that my limited self to assist them. ‘What can I possibly do for them?’ haunts me. The song ‘The riddle’ by Five for Fighting is playing over my computer now. “… Here’s a riddle for you, find the answer. There is a reason for the world, you & I.” Thank you for lightening my mood a lil. 

This year, I wish to help people who truly need help & wish that they could benefit something & use the same spirit to help others. Spreading the Love, I supposed. I need to find a way to do this, in my less taxing time too.

Lastly, I have query of 'do you have a bf now bla bla bla...' I wish I have but is not my time yet. When I am dating, it will be published in the newspaper so stop asking.

As I am finishing this writing, a random thought came across my mind – I think I am able to answer Dylan Fuller’s question about ‘what am I running away from?’ when I do my random backpacking trips. I spend more time dedicating time to EVERY OTHER THINGS than to myself, whereas I would at least bother about myself when I backpack alone. I spent time reflecting about ‘whether I love myself enough?’; ‘what am I lacking?’; and solutions / mind-maps.

I will be meeting my future-husband-NOT aka Princess later, i HOPE that I will not attempt to murder him for some reasons.

Lunar New Year

Happy Lunar New Year!! Currently my house has too many people, so I am having a retreat in my own bedroom. Was helping out in the kitchen for the steamboat, and my dad's sworn-brothers were complimenting me whilst teasing my mom. Our relationship has always been not too well, but it is not the estrangled one - we just cannot communicate - something that we dragged too long to even try to retify it. So tey said 'This daughter of yours deserve to be doted as much as the others, plus she is so witty (like daddy) etc..' I enjoyed to see how she changed the topic abruptly.

I know that there were times I did mentioned that I hate her, that was because I think I love her too much. I was simply disturbed by the fact that my mum is never impressed by me, & all I cared was her to praise me for everything I did well. Never happened; but she is a critic when I does the slightest wrong. NOW, I choose to live a life that I deserved to - I will be lying if I claim that I stop yearning for her to love me.

This is one of the many reasons why I adore Eminem, I respect his candid-ness & people like us who expresses ourselves are the ones that are unlikely to habour ill-intention, especially to our family. I love my family, for now - apart from the goal to promote humanity & myself, MY FAMILY members are top in my list. I will kill anyone who touches them; they are my bottom-line.

I am very impressed with the fact that in his latest album, he found peace with himself to forgive himself & his mom. Most importantly, he expressed my undescrible words to my mum. I appreciate this so much... ...  too much....I guessed we grow and changes everyday... Let this song do the talking.

Well, I am officially JOBLESS as of yesterday, since I might have to go back and help them out so it is not YET a real goodbye to my old office.. Of course, I am overly-excited to start my new job, people, environment & things to learn. I really have too many goals to achieve this year, and I wish to do it well!

Last night I met a Brit who he reminds me about you, the way he tried to pick me up was very unique (reminded me of the day I walked to you). He did a palm reading (I doubt that he really know how to), but as a Harvard guy.. he was pretty convincing. He said that I will be successful, with 2 daughters, good family and etc.. Hahaha, I wish life is as easy as he described.

Whatever it is, I am happy that you are doing well in whereever you are at... .... I am comtemplating to check if you are keen to join me to Hanoi, but I guess not.

Adious,
Sandral

The Luckiest

I managed to have an early Friday night (a glass of wine, 3 pints of beer) & home sweet home before 12. At Kerstin's surprise Birthday party, organised by her Mister, Samuel - really sweet couple. Worth envy for so this is something that I am in the mist of sorting out too.

 

My brain does not function like a normal human being, 'one thing at a time' is a luxury for me. Sometimes I blame the law studies which seems to sharpen my thoughts and that mindmap widen too, but I guess I have only myself to blame for.

 

I guess I am ready to come back to be myself, with ONE COMPLAIN! I have to do something about the background colour of this blog, is killing my eyes. I am too busy making all the important changes in my life now, this has to wait. Please bear with me & it.

 

Coming to a conclusion to quit my job wasnt the toughest decision I made in this aspect of my life, thinking what to do next was. I was plain lucky; born with great luck - someone who gets opportunites coming towards her and people assisting me out. Too lucky, there are times that I thought I could ask for the world too. But of all the things I have, I am cursed with the disability of 2 type of love I need.

 

I met someone that gave me a earthquake, I guess (only guessing) that the possibly of that happening is once in a thousand years. A two days memories seem to be a lifetime of work, the art of fate never fails to surprise me. He is the best birthday present I recieved 4 days before my 24th birthday, but at the moment I was thinking that perhaps the worst too.

 

Having the need to miss him, wishing I could turn back time because my life without him seems a lil lifeless. I am contended with what I have, I have so much more than anybody could have at my age, truly am. He / Love is something I cant have, maybe not at the moment. THEREFORE, I have to live a life being happy missing the foundation of happiness, L.O.V.E. The positive side is that I have the ability to give more and greater love to people, strangers & enemies.

Love is a ruthless game unless you play it good & right. I never saw you coming thru the hand of fate, you are my achilles heel. This is the poem for you, written a couple of day ago...

Only with my heart, I steal you; and only with my heart, I will hug you
Even though my heart cries like it has been torn apart, as it yearns for you
I wont be able to forget, so I will be the only one who remember us
I wont forget you so you can smile and smile brightly, because Im truly grateful for those memories with you
I can hide them and take them out when I am missing you, and I'll be smiling this right now.
As time passes and love grows, there will be times when I resent you. Dont worry about it, because I will remember the days when you hug me affectionately.
Only with my heart, I will want you; and only with my heart I will kiss you.
Dont feel sorry! Whether you love me or not, I know I will feel the same way as this is my life to love you dearly.

I doubt I am ever suitable for love now; despite of me having inborn talents of romantic, creative and bla, I never quite see myself being a good lover. Joy was very helpful in analysising my issues in this department, I am still thinking about it. Whatever it is, I asked God to stop bringing me the wrong guy (right guy, right atmosphere but wrong timing) because I seriously do not need the trouble of feeling for someone and then putting myself in a state of limbo. I can wait, I have too many other things to deal with for now.

Just rejected a booty call from this guy whom I used to had a crush with, nice person but I was never in his list of priority. I giggled reading back a question he asked me..

AL: How do you go from 50 shades of grey to no random sex?

Me: Afterall you still dont know me at all, I am going from no random sex to 50 shades of grey. It is an erotic book BUT a romance itself, the only reason why I always want and need my very own Mr Grey.

I can afford to wait, a holy virgin for now.. not Holey, holly nor horny! So whilst trying to adapt to my new career, I planned to forget about you within this 6 months. Missing you is too painful for me, I wished you had say something to me to make it easier and quicker to help me out. I am cool for now, we all know I am strong enough for this, and if I cant forget you by this deadline - I have a lifetime to do so..

 

人无法决定会为谁动心 (We cannot choose who our hearts beat for)
但至少可以决定放不放弃 (But we could decide to give up on this yearning)
我承认我　还是会爱着你 (Admittedly, I will still love you)
但我将永不再触碰这记忆 (With the promise to myself that I will not hold onto the memories)

记得要忘记, 我提醒自己 (I will constantly reminding myself to forget about you)

毕竟只是很偶然的那种相遇 (Afterall, it will be a very rare occurance that we will bump onto each other again)

你已经是人海中的一个背影 (You should already have walked away)
长长时光我应该要有新的回忆 (Someday, I will have new memories)
不会不容易, 我有一辈子足够用来忘记 (As for now, it will not be that difficult because I have a lifetime to forget you)

Im going to prepare myself for Dragon Boating. Seeing my favourite ladies (probably the first batch of girlfriends I have in life) tomorrow for Thahira's wedding. I am so happy for her, and blessed her with her new chapter of life.

Need to dealt with Hanoi/China trip in Feb & Boracay trip in April tonight.. Excited to meet Ms Josette (the rare Long Island girl) to go Halong bay together! Have to reply Sean aka the crazy Korean's email. Have to do something to my pimples, dont want to be accused of depression during Chinese New Year.

Adious for now!